i am absolute…

July 23, 2012 § Leave a comment



i am absolutely fed up. fed up of you carrying me everywhere you go. i am haunted by every inch of you, shiver at the mention of your name, want to hide under solid earth at the possible sight of you. encountering you gives me pleasure beyond measure but all the while knowing things haven’t moved on or forward and the way things are still as the distance between us grow. i grow farther apart from you at every minute of every hour of you not contacting me. i itch and burn as my soul continues floating its own way and knowing there is a space i had reserved for you which you haven’t made yourself way up to is destroying me at my every step. i cannot fight anymore, i have no tears to shed for you. i am tired of carrying you around me for longer than eight weeks, but the eight weeks that i have spent solemnly waiting for you to reach me and have allowed every position in every medium to be there for you but i have tried to much for too long. there is not enough time and effort left in me to continue the way i am doing and i cannot allow you to enter my mind so often. the parting period will be bitter and painful as it always is, even in fairy tales the tellers have had to live up to their promise. i am declaring a state of forgiveness and abandonment, i am surrounding myself to time and allow love to engulf me within so i won’t have to worry anymore. i have surrendered myself as well as you to a time that will slowly peel the thoughts of you from my head. as you battle your way in your day, i will not be there for you anymore. i will not hold you dear to my heart for you have wounded it. i will not send you photographs of my doings and findings to tear you apart from myself as well. should you see that you simply wake up unhappy and are unable to go about your day as you have, i expect your cries and tries of getting me back into your land. i might have walked away, but given my soft heart and my softer feet i might have to slowly walk my way back into your life and i am terrified but even the thought of you aids my battle of existence. perhaps this is where the trouble lies is that i have allowed myself to get to this point in such a time, and time will cure and heal or wound and abandon me.


 the latest I …

June 18, 2012 § Leave a comment


the latest I would go back is to a time when I didn’t know you

and we never talked

and I never knew what you were like

or of your drama

then at this moment but without having met you

my heart would ache half less

and I would think of other things instead of you

perhaps write more of me and less of you


4 weeks

June 13, 2012 § Leave a comment



I knew it four weeks ago. not any less but definitely more. i know it when i found myself smiling every time your name came up. and i knew it when i saw it on my phone. i knew it when i found myself being excited about your work and i definitely knew when i kept telling everyone about you. i knew it when i took an extra step to do something for you. i knew it when it succeeded and i was able to deliver the results. i knew it when i started shaking when we locked gazes. i knew it that i had to look away. i knew it when i followed your every word and mimicked the way you move your lips. i knew it when i found myself wondering what you were doing and i knew it when i found you wondering. i knew it when i was sitting on the chair and watching you smile. i knew it when you offered me your glass of wine and i wanted to allow our hands to touch. i knew it when i came in the room to help you out. i knew it when you asked me where i was. i knew it when you invited me and i knew it when i saw you smile as you see me. i knew it when you hung around. i knew it when you welcomed me. i knew it when we (the three or something memories that i have shared with you when you didn’t know how i felt about you and i didn’t know how you felt about me keep playing in my eyes, i keep seeing your smile and smile and seeing myself smile because you were there) sat next to each other and our arms would touch softly and every time you got up i wish you would sit right back next to me. i knew it when we were at the bar and you introduced me to your friends and we got along and i saw in your eyes a sparkle that made me smile. i knew it when you leaned closer to me and i felt that i made you happier. i knew it when we spent a day sending each other photographs and videos of what we were doing. i knew it when you walked in and never left my side. i knew it when i took a photograph of you and i. i knew it when i caught you watching me from across the bar and i knew it when you smiled. i knew it the whole cab ride when i was sitting on your lap and each time we touched each other when our hands met. i knew it when we walked in and i told you about the number on my arm. i knew it when we followed each other in the dark. i knew it when you took a photo of me and i knew the moment that i could no longer hold in what i had been holding in this whole time and i knew that i had to tell you because i couldn’t not tell you and i knew it when i told you and you said back the same words, and i knew when we decided to kiss none of the things that i knew or i thought i knew mattered because now everything had a point and it made sense and it was confirmed and that was it. 

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June 11, 2012 § Leave a comment

what in the world has come over me i am unsure. this is a test for you and i. will you make a decision? are decisions ever easy to make? where is your mind? i told you where my mind was. and is. when i woke up this morning i was in pain. the sunlight coming in my eyes, my body was aching, has been aching, in this unbearable pain of leaving you behind. the agony felt. a stage of withdrawal. a sense of loss. unfoundedness. i don’t know, perhaps it will get better and better each day. perhaps after a while, it will be as if i don’t even know you. i have never even known you. perhaps i will get used to looking at you from far away, having more limited and unstructured conversations. upsides and downsides. here and there. maybe we will run into each other at another opening of some sorts- will it be yours? maybe it could be mine. the first hours are the hardest. and i doubt it will get better than this. any better not likely. for days i will suffer deeply, and you will too probably. draw the curtains, stay inside the blankets- under the sheets. what is the matter with me? there is a terrifying feeling that i might had lost you- or maybe i didn’t. maybe it will take me days and months to get you actually. but you need that don’t you- i suppose i need it too. we all do need time of course, it can’t possibly function in any other way- can you imagine- i certainly cannot. i imagine many things, most of them with you, all of them with you. didn’t imagine that pain would follow us. but i think it does follow you. come to me, come, come, come to me why wouldn’t you. this is simple. it’s a good game. and we can go for it. go for it, they said, you two are completed they yell, one knocks on the other one, i heard them whisper, you two look strangely alike, so tender and young, full of innocence. full of it. strange young love. pure love. wanted love. adventurous love. balanced love. giving love. what a love. what a love. i look in your eyes, your eyes i get lost in. it’s such a pure smile we share, such bliss. Image

 this is what …

June 5, 2012 § Leave a comment


this is what today must feel like

an unreachable sense of relief, of happiness, as if you have inhaled all the positivity in the world, as if you are projecting the sun, shining onto people, looking in their eyes, sensing their soul, it feels like you are sitting by the most beautiful green marbled pool, surrounded by people you love but especially the one you share souls with, and you are dangling your toes into the water, softly moving them about, the sun is kissing you right in the neck and you take a small dip into the cool serene waters, the solitude is enriching, it is enchanting, all you could ever want is right then and there and it’s within your grasp, you are thinking of new solutions of new dreams, you are almost there, keep going keep shining keep going keep shining keep going keep shining keep going keep shining

 reading spiri…

April 18, 2012 § Leave a comment



reading spiritual books on karma, rebirth, evolution, maturation and the path to nirvana- or however else you might want to name it- is in its pure technicality super aggressive and requires attention to detail. after finding out about this book which is all about everything i have mentioned above, delivered in a science fiction language has been occupying my thoughts. it is about acceptance and how everything will unroll its own path once you ACCEPT their EXISTENCE AS PERFECT THEY ARE AS THEY ARE.

naturally, reading these words influences your outlook on your current situations. per example, my current situation, of which i am TERRIFIED, but i know at the end of it all it is the path i must exist in and simply cannot exist any other way. i have made a choice to get myself into here, because i knew that this was the only way to reach what i want. by making a decision i have long postponed, i shall reach the next stage of my journey, which i have been preparing for, for years. 

i will leave istanbul once again, but will return in a few years, fully grown and on the path that i want. perhaps i will be in and out of it- working on different projects and with different people- but it will be well. 

the decision i make will put an end to a relationship. and i think i know what i have learned from it all together. i have learned to listen to my instincts and have learned to be ACCEPTIVE.






a meditation

March 28, 2012 § Leave a comment


to rid of every blockage on your path to greatness

and know that every block has been placed there by yourself

all things we live are things we live because we call them in

so imagine yourself always careless worryless content mindful free and powerful and full of love

even in the darkest days it takes a song or two or a drag or more to get back on your track to greatness

with kindness take your step towards others around you

whisper i love you at every opportunity that seems dark to you

the more you say love the lighter the air will get

and you tell yourself that you are forgiven and the curtains will change

apologize to yourself and thank yourself

for you are all you have got