Things that are fuckable, killable and bitable

August 10, 2009 § Leave a comment

as if twilight is fashionableThere are Aidan people and Big people. There are Angel people and Spike people. There are Twilight people and the rest of the crowd who enjoy vampires and sexual tension all the same. I believe myself to fit the latter in all of the [un]equasions. Anyone who knows me will agree that I do enjoy mythical creatures, especially those that suck blood. When other kids read about girls going to highschool or little boys building toys, I would read about Vampires, Werewolves and UFOs. I’m just that kind of a gal. So you can imagine my happiness that more Vampire flicks were blooming since Buffy the Vampire Slayer series and The Lost Boys.

Twilight was NOT a turn-on.

I am normally not one that judges a book by its movie but this I have to speak up about. It is, I would say, my very angst-y, rough and tough love fantasy to be desired by a vampire. I will admit it right here and now. I didn’t watch Buffy for its jokes. Okay maybe the jokes and the tension. But either way, I will give my attention and money to anything that will make me believe this can happen, especially as a former writer and an avid reader of fantasy smut [another thing that I will admit here, I feel as if my powers are being drained from me]. Twilight was DUMB. It was so bad that I wanted someone to watch it with me just so I can make commentary on vampire culture and teach the watcher what shit is going down. I won’t even be able to make a comprehensive essay out of it-I am so offended.

The narration was tasteless and repetative, I didn’t care much about Kristen’s voice especially because she sounded like Lindsay Lohan and looked awful lot like a gothic version of Emma Watson. Obviously, I was bothered. I did care and enjoyed the creepyness and the robotic strange behaviors of Edward, the studmuffinvampire. Of course, if he needed to fit my version of hot vampire, he would need a lot more wit, and intelligent talk-although I don’t mind dragging his pretty face on my mud of torture. I don’t think we would be the best couple, he is much too of a pussy-character to me. Though, I heard werewolves are coming in the next movie and I could just watch this shit for that.

The whole glistening skin was only a turn-on because I like things that shine. I am also known as the girl who will dump a bucket of glitter down her head and continue on with the “real life” as if not blinding any cars that are passing by or distracting any animals flying around. But don’t we all know that when a vampire faces sunlight-they fucking EXPLODE. Has NO ONE watched this sick add for Ray-Bans concerning the very topic? [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NR8UNaX7IEA]

Speaking of Ray-Bans, how fucking lickable is Robert when he gets out the car and struts around?

Clearly, that scene was enough to get me off, though it required a much extended period and perhaps a badass kiss in the process. While getting back to the vampire topic and realizing how fucking bad I am at NOT keeping myself distracted and sucking at this essay [I blame it on the full moon and my own horny self] my honest to Dracula most amazing and beloved friend, partner in crime and cyber-lover Susan has pointed me into this[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZwM3GvaTRM] kickass video on why things wouldn’t work out between me and Edward, and why I am still a cracked out bitch at 2am on a Tuesday night getting off at watching vampires and will soon go to bed fantasizing about, well, Robert because I just can’t get enough of him and his sunglesses and how fucking cool would I look if I stepped out that car with him.

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