Pretentious Stripey Asses

December 4, 2009 § Leave a comment

A thing that upsets me is how un-naive I have become since my kindergarden years. I always walk by that apartment hearing all those fucking midgets yelling and screaming at each other, thanking myself once more that I don’t have to deal with little wanksters at any point in my day. Sometimes they are frolicking in their caged garden, like little monkeys, pushing each other off the slides and hogging the swings, and sometimes I catch them when they are being dropped off or picked up. Today I saw this blonde girl jumping up and down and screaming to herself about how excited she is and as I approached her I heard that she was talking about how she was going to a birthday party this afternoon.

Oh the horror.

When I was a little midget [I still am] birthdays were the most important events of the week [they still are]. I think I am mostly interested because it almost always involves cake, presents and music, and lots of fun, obviously. Now they are mostly involving me drinking myself stupid, crying as I black out from finishing that bottle of vodka that was given to me as a present and eating the cakes that are scattered all around the house, just before passing out on the couch in my own pool of tears.

How fucking terrifying is that.

I wanted to grab that girls hand and tell her to be careful and that how not every birthday is awesome and jolly and sometimes you need to have some disappointments in life to really appreciate the good shit. But then I imagined myself actually going through this conversation and I decided otherwise.

So of course, I just went shopping instead.

And I purchased a fantastic light grey sweater type of thing that has fucking deadly structured shoulders that remind me the body of an [holiday] armadillo. They are fucking fierce as fuck and it makes me look like I can drop kick Rihanna in the ass and knock her out. I also purchased two floral items, one a pale-ish but dark sets of florals splattered on a pair of tight pants that make me look kind of insane and a darker sets of florals on a see through top which I am probably never really going to wear but it’s really just one of those things that need to be in your closet and I look fucking great in florals. [I think it’s my hair] I also purchased another pair of slinky black leggings to wear in my every day life because you can never have too many of those, and an almost see through pair of black tights that-get this- look like leopard patterned! This is going to be fucking incredible. Not only am I going to look like I have sun spots or some sort of other skin discoloration on my entire legs, but think how much more fucking awesome it’s going to look once they start ripping apart. Fucking can’t wait.

And I also bought one of those really soft scarf kind of things with thick stripes on them because I really just wanted to wear it with my glasses and pretend to be incredibly ironic.

Really I only just shop because I like to wear costumes and the reaction I get from people here is all the more reason to dress up more obscenely.

Ps. La Roux made the best album ever.


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