the test is … now

August 26, 2010 § Leave a comment

Don’t you pretend it never happened to you.

When, before you realize, a city, a place or a memory sucks you in and you are absolutely sure that there couldn’t possibly be anything better, more comfortable than where you are right now. You convince yourself every day and each night that where you are is perfect and that you have the right to exist and a universal reason to be where you are. And though a hint of smell or a ring of sound tell you otherwise, you ignore them all and continue to live that moment.

Then comes a day when your path is drawn out of that city or a place or a memory and you find yourself in a different environment. At first you reject it, like you reject combing your hair after showering because it destroys the effortless curls that your hair carries, or the way you reject to acknowledge the failure of your love life, but then as your current situation gets more palpable, you adjust. Just like you adjust to hearing the name of your past lovers’ current loves. And just like you adjust your eyes to your platinum hair and the emptiness of your bed. And I am afraid that once you adjust, and you have an obsessive personality like mine, you won’t tear yourself away from that memory, until the other ones you suspect might be better than the current one.

With a year behind this blog of a mess and a week of beach purity, I surrender myself to my current space and clothes (because I walk around barefoot around here) and will know how terribly it will be for me to adjust to life in a messy and crowded city in a matter of days. If I suffer from seasonal depression, I think it’s really because I know how fucking amazing it is to feel the cool salty water splashing on your body and how rested and confused you wake up from a nap taken under the shade. I know how my hair looks like when it’s dried with salt water and though not as tan as I was last summer, I know when the sun kisses you, it has become your most recent and exciting relationship and, yes, well, it is a bit hard to refrain from it.

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