my hair is absolutely hideous anyway
December 22, 2010 § Leave a comment
The act of being alone.
As if, it isn’t something that happened to you, but that you chose it. As if you particularly wanted that empty feeling in your stomach, or the hopelessness that evaporated after a disappointed expectation. As if, really, there never is or there never was anything better to do or think but to be alone in your (not so) calm mind.
Because really, after weeks go by, it becomes quite entertaining to live up to your insightful conversations with yourself. There is no one to interrupt you, no one to disagree, it’s the pefrect balance of silence and mind sharing, and it can happen anywhere, anytime and anyfuckinghow.
What I’ve discovered, is the little fire within you that keeps going on despite the exterior emotions. It’s the little kick you get when you see someone you like, or the smile that won’t fade away because something happened unexpectedly and it happened to you and it was a happy thing. And I am carefully choosing you in these particular sentences, not because I am doing that thing where you say you but you refer to everyone else like I am doing right now, but because I know that I have NOT discovered anything remotely feverish within me and I know long time will pass before I come across this “fire” I speak of. But I know that you have a little heat in you, I know that something wakes you up in the morning and that is precious as hell and you should keep going for it. Until you hit a wall, of course. I hope you never do, of course, getting that “fire” extinguished is something so terrible to bear, but I know that your naive and underdeveloped little mind will find something else to be excited about.
Knowing that I will have to lower my expectations to be happy is a most hopeless and all the while truthful thing. So instead of drinking myself to oblivion, eating myself to obesity or crying myself pathetically I am choosing, this very moment, a state of indifference, calmity and meditation.
I think that being alone can do you good. It will do you real good.