my obsession with green

January 20, 2011 § Leave a comment

iPod’s shuffle (I know, I STILL use an iPod even though apple has made it perfectly accesible for everyone who owns a telephone or even a small computer to carry shitloads of music with them wherever they go, but I am a classic girl like that, feeling the need to carry my entire music library-and that’s about 10,000 songs any day now- with me at all possible times. especially when i am jogging) broughton Journey’s Don’t Stop Believing, and it was one of those epic moments that happen in my life every now and then, when a song comes on and it’s almost as if it has a message to deliver to me, but it’s either that I cannot hear it, or that I have become immune to it.

The creative mind is the one that suffers the most, but only when it decides upon itself certain obstacles and standars before settling for the high happiness. It’s like how one could say that they cannot fly unless they have wings, wellf ucking bullshit, I have seen many fly without wings at all.

I have seen people around me, compose themselves from the most terrifiyingly sad situations, the most complicated break ups and even the hurtful fights. They have lived though and on and continue to exist without doubting their stance and their path, but just carrying on towards what they hope to be a better future.

I don’t find myself being able to perform any of these activities. Even if I find myself in the mood to socialize or become a part of something that can be categorized as a “happy” event, I find myself, in 15 minutes or so, or sometimes at the end of the day, exhausted, drained, but mostly incredibly guilty of how I have trciked my mind into pretending that everything is okay and that it will continue to be okay. That I have “friends”, even people that love me. But I know deep down that it is all bullshit, which is why today, even though it is sunny out, and I cried over lsitening to my old leftover songs from my college years, and generally stepped out with a good mood, had a beautiful breakfast, enjoyed freshly squuezed orange and pomegranate juice, I find myself wanting to scream and cry, find myself helpless, lost, unpatient, desperate and questioning why I am here how to justify that I am to spend time inside with these people, doing what I am doing, when instead I could be doing something else, something completely original, elsewhere.

And I know this could be referred to as “the grass is always greener on the other side” syndrome, but hell, the should be some cure for this.


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