sometimes i really like looking at astronomy photos of the day
February 3, 2011 § Leave a comment
After the calm comes the storm.
After happiness comes the pain.
Knowing that I am fully capable of finishing the entire box of chocolate sitting in the kitchen, I am constantly thinking up narratives where I am either distracted or my immediate assitance is in order, or I am always thirsty for some tea. Because once I am alone in the kitchen, the unbearable misery of my life and my failed ambitions will drive me to eat that chocolate and then suffer horribly afterwards.
While some may be curious as to what happened with that drink that i was supposed to have with that person because I decided to say yes to everyone, I will skip that step and go right ahead to the final part. That machoism is something that most women and nearly all men have to suffer and be comfronted with at least once in their life.
The fact is, I believe machoism to be somewhat related your cultural surrounding, the way you are brought up, what you were fed (I am talking about television and music) and even what you’ve read. This person had spent most of his life abroad, you would think it’s somebody that is unbelieavably cultured and sophisticated, someone who knows art (which is his supposed profession; knowing art, that is) but still falls under the radar in terms of tolerance.
I won’t be making deep readings into his behavior and absurdity, because I have already done it the past night and am currently not interested in reflecting them upon this particular post. But I will go ahead to say that I was not only insulted, ignored and immediately dismissed o fmy “shortcomings” that is to say, I blew him off, for the second time, and the strong winds of machoism in him did not enjoy this ride. The main reason I didn’t want to meet with him is because he asked me to come to his hotel (absolutely I will not go to someone’s hotel unless for the purpose of hooking up) and he also asked where I can buy some Mary Jane.
Normally, hotel bars and mary equal immense amount of fun and an adventurous night in, rather, but when asked by him, I felt a sense of danger and suspicion come my way. As I particularly do not enjoying exploring the depths of my brain, my sensuality to light and touch, my interpreting the world around me different and my hightened dependency to being completely emotional with strangers. Especially when upon my first encounted with this stranger I was completely looked through and not paid attention but my visibility was highlighted only after he had seen me in a dress and high heels. Idiot.
I felt I really deserved his insult at one point, after all I had said that I would have a drink with him, but then I realized that I was being unjust with myself. After all, no one has never the right to call you stupid to your face and insult you (especially over mobile devices) when you do not obey their impossible demands and so forth.
So now that I have forgiven myself for being mad at myself for blaming this idiot’s machoistic behavior and inferiority complex issues, I shall continue to admire what I admire the way I admire. And live for the sole purpose of doing what I want, when I want with who I want, not agreements or “yes”s necessary.