I now own the delusion that I am a talent without a medium

March 2, 2011 § Leave a comment

I would really like to stay away from the dramatic and dark writings of my tortured and undernourished soul, not being able to find a place to sacrifice my creativity and an outlet for my wonderous talents, but really when I am at work, I am the neurotic psycho bitch freak out monster, who runs around (people recognize me from the noise my feet make on the ground, the faster the rythm, the clarity it is I) tries to do about a million tasks at the same time-while people expect me to work at home (do you really think I have the brain powers to sit down at 10pm after a sweaty yoga session, a binge eating, where my joint is rolled and my wine drunk to bust out some of my amazing juices for other people’s benefits?) oh hell fucking no.

I know I always complain about how I am not living the moment or doing what I want or other psychological crap that I have made myself believe to be true, which really is, but as is the truth that none of this shit really matters to many people. Most of us do spend a lifetime chasing other people’s businesses, some of us (like myself) are forever caught in the past where they obsess about the relationships they have had that basically ruined their social skills and capacity (turns out, I am still punishing everyone I meet because of that horrible girl in high school who bullied me and made my life into crap) and some of us simply choose to give it all up and follow their paths.

I always have dreams about how I will walk in my boss’ office and drop everything off, declare my last two weeks and feel about 30 pounds of emotional, work crap off my shoulders. Everyone (on teelvision) is doing it! Considering I get most of my life long goals and personal influences from television, film or literature characters, it only makes sense. Because when the real poeple quit their jobs in hunt for their real lives, they suffered, fell poor and but suceeded in the end. I have a feeling that I will suffer very much, but also that my rising out of my burned ashes (just like Dumbledore’s phoenix; Fawkes or Rachel, who still managed to dress, color her hair and do many more things after she cut off her credit cards!) . These are the kind of things I think about before I fall asleep. Like, what I would wear when I go up to my boss to quit, or my first day as an unemployed but multi-talented person.

So the things I would have to sacrifice are as follows ( and the one that cringes me most because it involves money);

the apartment, my apartment or a place where I would reside and sleep under and pray under and seing as if I plan to turn my life around, will end up spending a whole lot of time in.

The apartment I currently reside in is a piece of crap, or at least it makes me feel like that. It is a place I rent out, rather than am a part of, so you can see my domesticated self is suffering so much. I produce most of my good works, or rather my ideas, where I cry and laugh at the same time and that would be where I live. And this is the difficult part because nothing I have been stumbling on to so far meets my requirements which are as follows;

some sunshine

real, natural floors

a decent kitchen where I can cook comfortably when I am hosting my imaginary cooking show

a toilet that isn’t under the showerhead

a decent sized apartment where I can set up my studio

oh, and room for my shoes.




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