“Write, my friend, write… Write anything you want, Write for yourself, if you want, even if it’s only for yourself, but write and you’ll see that you’ll soon be feeling better.” Wim Delvoye to Jean-Pierre Criqui
April 19, 2011 § Leave a comment
and because my therapist (is that what they call themselves these days, i don’t even know) has reached for the conclusion that i do not let ANYONE get close to me, not even if they seem close, not as up-close and personal as most poeple have in their relationships
i am unsure where my point is going.
i have trouble communicating with people, yet all the while i am terrified of them
terrified that they will misunderstand me- maybe it’s because i often misunderstand them
but i think it’s more related to how my brain works, is that i cannot understand why they do some things they do (in social conversations or behaviors)
and i also cannot understand why they say to me some things they say
so it’s really a miscommunication on both parties-
and i am also very scared of people,
think that if i bring them close to me, and personal
they will hurt me, (because i have had this traumatic experience in high school-with people and since then, it turns out from the way my shrink talks) that i haven’t recovered.
and my that is the scariest thought of all,
that all of us beings, carry with them certain scars and marks that were left by other experiences and people, and while most of mine has healded, as a girl my age
i know i carry most of the damagei
i even have a memory of making my friend laugh because i referred to myself as a warrior because unconsciously (as i was blazed)
that is how i felt.
and that is always how i feel, i always think that i am fighting for something,
to live through the day
with my collegues for my ideas
with my friends for their acceptance of me
with my parents for their approval of me
with life to prove myself
and with myself to be okay with myself
and i’ve realized that instead of fighting,
perhaps i should just raise the white flag, surrender and bring on the pain
and not resist.
i have a feeling that it might take me to a better place.