i’d like to remain ambiguous to anything

November 16, 2011 § Leave a comment

it is a concerning fact that before going to sleep, or before waking up, i am much more occupied with the idea of postponing the act of waking up, hitting a button on my phone, putting off being included in life.


how is it possible that we have liquor stores, fast food chains to deliver us food whenever we are hungry- or whenever we thing we want to indulge in our stomachly choices- yet there is NOT ONE place that is open all day long and can bring us freshly prepared luxury chocolates? am i really the only person who chooses to indulge on these deliciousnesses? it is a fact that i have gone one whole day eating nothing but a box full of fresh made chocolates from a fine chocolatier called Marie Antoinette. it is also a fact that i purchased these fine chocolates in a fine box, where i now keep my fine rings, as a birthday present to a good friend of mine but because we couldn’t meet up that particular week- and the chocolates were made to be eaten within that week- because they have no preservatives- i decided that it is a wise choice to eat the chocolates so they can complete their karma and count this as a way to spoil myself because nobody has bought be chocolates-like, ever.


i am trying really hard to be pleased within- without purchasing, eating, spending money on any indulges at all- so that i can teach myself an existential matter of fact lesson. i have learned within this month, that i can still survive if i eat less- and drop a dress size too- but also the sensation of seeing a gorgeous pair of shoes and immediately thinking up 10 outfits at the spot that would look perfect with that shoe- is in fact unbeatable.

i think i care a lot about my shoes because i lack the balance in my life- that tall, courageous, confident feeling you have when you stand still. and maybe looking from that baroque perspective of mine, that if what i am standing on is worthy as gold, then maybe i can fool myself that it is as still as the resistance within.


if smoke wasnt there and there wasn’t a liquor to pinch my soul, would i still be what i am with strangers around me




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