March 19, 2012 § Leave a comment
i decided to make this brief and stunning as i have to get going in five minutes
today started with agony followed by feeling triumphant
then i was almost late to an appointment where i was told to be more careful in my health
when having lunch i got frustrated from other people’s demands from me
and when i entered my place of work i was irritated by the screaming hellos in my head
i snapped because i hadn’t meditated enough
the day went by and i was suddenly struck by the news
that someone was approached and had accompanied something
which made me feel like i accomplished nothing
although its not true
i feel that way
i spent the day worrying about my hair because now its more yellow then white
and found myself fantasizing about summer and photography
something that kept me going is a boy who is messaging me
its of not romantic interest
but of personal interest
its a strangers conversation and i quite like it
but i cannot help but feel what if i disappoint him when i meet him in person
now i will go and drink some red wine
before i wake up and go to the pool to swim.
February 27, 2012 § Leave a comment
after most is said and done and i have torn myself apart from your touch because if i had spent more time in it, less of myself would exist now.
the more i avoided looking in your eyes, the more self control i had, i felt your smile drawing from my breath the very existence of me. the more you buried me deep in your arms, the less i struggled for breath and in the depth of you i no longer saw the light. but the very light in you, the very energy and touch that you can offer me, and i am pretty sure these two won’t be the only ones, are the ones that have blinded me the most. your soft gaze followed by a more aggressive touch, your need to declare the world that i am your own and your scent getting under my skin where i unconsciously desire you, finding myself being drawn to you in every form.
upon my withdrawal, i sense agitation. a frustration where i have to shriek in distress, a discombubulating confusion, a disorientation followed by flashbacks of your touch. my memory is effortfully creating, re-visualising all 24 hours, i have to reestablish myself as the ruler of my mind and emotions and nothing else. i am trapped by repercussions of the sensations you have left on my skin, and each word i have to read twice to get my head around it. when i sit down to write you, to write on me, nothing else but the visual memory comes out.
the more i avoid reflecting on the past days, the more i suffer from withdrawal. i find myself physically desiring you all the more and i am terrified.
February 12, 2012 § Leave a comment
and i am not so great at reading people
for i have experienced that many will hold back saying or doing things as they care too much about what the other thinks
but i know some things
like how a real kiss feels
and i have currently been on suspension in concluding one
and i was told that it didn’t count, and i wasn’t on the look out for scores, but the what was delivered as a message through his lips and his hands, i couldn’t imagine there is nothing implied in it
i am just now sad that with every day that passes, as i look forward to what i will do in the upcoming hours- a sad and a bad habit of mine- i am more and more aware of the time that passes between me and him,
and there is no fixing it, anything but his doing, and i will remain in that limbo of the unknown, the unexplained mystery that is this man’s behavior.
i trust it so much because i know so much of him isn’t unkind or undecided, but perhaps he is more undecided than i’ll ever be.
oh how easy i can convince myself of belonging to something when evidence points to the contrary.
December 24, 2011 § 1 Comment
i like that idea
i liked the idea of having margarine as a replacement for butter
i liked the idea that wearing a navy blue fur coat defeats the purpose of many things “violent”
i liked the idea of having blonde hair for the rest of my life (except for when i want to wear wigs)
i liked the idea of having an intellectual lover
of all the things that i like or have liked, i wonder how many of them i have fought to convert to truths, to my truths?
from the silence in my heart that has been repressed by the things that i have “liked” but never made them to be my “truths”
we often use the word “like” to SUCH an extend that it makes me doubt all truths. i wish for everyone to strive to make more truths, to stop “liking” ideas and manage to make them real life consequences- with real people. i so often read books about how you can basically construct your world to such extent that you are basically creating your own land- then where is my own land with my own truths? not with any things or ideas or places that i rather like, but rather know. know for their truths.
know in my blood that they are real and are sufferings, are consequences and not flaky thoughts or ideas. i want all the truths in my surrealism. i want all the “ideas” that one would interpret in a dream to be an actual fact in my life. this is as if my cry for genuine, truthful relationships and solid, matter-of-fact beliefs. like, the belief that i would be significantly happier if i wasn’t to spend five to six days a week i would rather not like the idea but make it my truth- as it is one. and i don’t want to give into the idea that I can have an intellectual romantic relationship- but I want to know that it exists.
often filled and fueled by melancholy, my delicate soul cannot any more live in a world of simply “liking” ideas and not being able to turn them to truths.
i like the idea that i can live without my phone for an entire day
i like the idea of catching snowflakes with my tounge
i like the idea that i potentially have all the power in the world to do what i want
i like the idea of ideas, being full of ideas yet remaining within distance to all of them
i like the idea of friendships that don’t question or comment but rather exist beautifully with the strength of love and respect
and i am tired of ideas and thoughts and facts and numerals and i’m tired of proofs and documents and e-mails and subtitles and subtitles that you cannot read and hissed messages and secret codes and mysterious words and unknown songs i am tired of those that speak and only insult when they feel insecure and i am tired of having to give answers, to respond to call back to say welcome back to redial, to erase.
November 19, 2011 § Leave a comment
i was born in silence
because i have no words for life
not a sound
or a click
maybe movements i have
those that i am tiptoe-ing
i am not making a sound
sound often becomes permanent
sometimes i will be sitting alone and will think that someone is calling me
sometimes i’ll find myself listening to a story that was told a long long time ago
it’s just now that it traveled my way
finally it reached me
November 17, 2011 § Leave a comment
heaven i am in heaven lovers dancing cheek to cheek when we are out together climb a mountains and to reach the highest peak but it doesnt thrill me half as much as dancing cheek to cheek oh i love to go out in a river on a creek but i dont enjoy it half as much as dancing cheek to cheek
do you think that we pay less attention to the beat when people aren’t dancing
things that can carry me to heaving, i have always wanted one to be when i am around people but i would like to give it a day or two to get somewhere but i also think hey well maybe these people wont like me half as much because i am quiet all the time, i know what i am and i know what i want but all the fact that i have kept myself soft and calm is probably because i like to admire the people who don’t. it’s almost as if i am watching the better part of me function properly within scenes. and this might be why i drink and drink quite often is because i try to function less and just be. instead of keeping off “being” and putting effort on functioning.
it might just be that if i get to build enough courage in me- to know that i am a star and many more shining things above that, then i just might be much well rested
perhaps my hair will grow long and strong-and my body lean and fit and my voice would change as my poise would. because i know that my physical being is well associated with my emotional state. oh try as i may and one day i shall succeed. and that day can be any day and today as well, but i guess it wouldn’t make much difference because today is already spent and done and i am in my own company. am i shy even around my own company, maybe sometimes, maybe maybe.
i really wouldnt mind if my every move was mimiced through sound.
so when i am walking up the street it would be like i am walking in beat towards the better start of my day. music really makes many things better does it not
i wish i had designed the guggenheim in ny. and i would have have kept it concrete
we can all laugh at the same thing but do we frown at the same thing
i recognized from myself that only when i want to remain indifferent i wear gray
i pick bold colors if i am determined
and only when i wear black
i must have something in my mind hard to shake off
November 16, 2011 § Leave a comment
it is a concerning fact that before going to sleep, or before waking up, i am much more occupied with the idea of postponing the act of waking up, hitting a button on my phone, putting off being included in life.
how is it possible that we have liquor stores, fast food chains to deliver us food whenever we are hungry- or whenever we thing we want to indulge in our stomachly choices- yet there is NOT ONE place that is open all day long and can bring us freshly prepared luxury chocolates? am i really the only person who chooses to indulge on these deliciousnesses? it is a fact that i have gone one whole day eating nothing but a box full of fresh made chocolates from a fine chocolatier called Marie Antoinette. it is also a fact that i purchased these fine chocolates in a fine box, where i now keep my fine rings, as a birthday present to a good friend of mine but because we couldn’t meet up that particular week- and the chocolates were made to be eaten within that week- because they have no preservatives- i decided that it is a wise choice to eat the chocolates so they can complete their karma and count this as a way to spoil myself because nobody has bought be chocolates-like, ever.
i am trying really hard to be pleased within- without purchasing, eating, spending money on any indulges at all- so that i can teach myself an existential matter of fact lesson. i have learned within this month, that i can still survive if i eat less- and drop a dress size too- but also the sensation of seeing a gorgeous pair of shoes and immediately thinking up 10 outfits at the spot that would look perfect with that shoe- is in fact unbeatable.
i think i care a lot about my shoes because i lack the balance in my life- that tall, courageous, confident feeling you have when you stand still. and maybe looking from that baroque perspective of mine, that if what i am standing on is worthy as gold, then maybe i can fool myself that it is as still as the resistance within.
if smoke wasnt there and there wasn’t a liquor to pinch my soul, would i still be what i am with strangers around me